Act II: Men and Men

Share the trials of Columnist Peter Ruggiero as he weights in on the differences between the sexes from a unique bi one.

After completing my last regular column, I was ready to move from the intricacies of relationships women to those of relationships with men.  I began to make note of the various relationships I have had with other men to see what tidbit I could find that would shed light on the subject from a bisexual perspective.  I wanted to set up that perfect comparison and contrast in order to get a piece out to you so you would have two complementary features, akin to having a pair of candles to illuminate your dining room table.   I thought I had the yin and yang in absolute balance. And then I sat down to write.  Gulp!

The more I thought about it, I had to admit that any difficulties I have with emotional honesty would have to show through with men as well as women.  So much for yin and yang.  So much for the bisexual perspective.  I might as well get real and admit I’m just another garden variety American male who needs to get real.  How much could there be to write about if we are considering two men in a relationship who are not being emotionally honest?  Even if only one is not, the result is just as bad.  Have you heard the one about denial not being a river in Egypt?  Commentary over, hit panic button.

But it’s time for me put my penchant for sarcasm aside and do the other portion of the analysis and soul-searching I wrote about in the Act I column.

I admit that I have not always been aware of the emotional contents of my relationships with men.  That is to say, I could see the outer structure of the relationship, its skeleton if you will.  I could say that I was in a relationship, but I could not say I could read the other fellow.  There was no magic mojo.  I effectively had a ‘gift’ for picking incompatible men that was commensurate with my ‘prowess’ at not opening up fully to women.

In addition to this, I never used to feel as if I fit in with the guys, whatever their sexuality.  Just chalk it as a byproduct of being a nerd.  Yes, I was the kid with glasses and his nose in a book.

But even before the strictly personal, we must consider the familial and societal impediments-except in isolated pockets-to men’s forming intimate relationships.   That is plain homophobia-which is a constituent part of biphobia-to which every man who loves men is subject.  There is no way around it.

In fact, when had I ever seen anything that was supportive of men in intimate relationships?  I had to scratch my head, look around at my personal library and hit the search engines.  I found a video set to the music of Eric Helmuth that shows a series of photographs of male couples from the entertainment world.  Take a look.  Like me you’ll probably be saying, “I wish I had known earlier.”

I also came across an online journal, www.aislingmagine.com, with an article that describes the spiritual aspects of men loving men.  Then I found a British-based organization, www.lovingmen.org.   I also found the page for Jess Anderson, a blogger from Madison, Wisconsin, a web page for Love Between Men by Rik Isensee, and another for The Male Couple by David McWhirter and Andrew Mattison.  Isn’t there more out there?

For all the bad models there are for relationships between men and women, there are no models for relationships between men.  In other words, we need to deconstruct male-female relationship paradigms and construct male-male relationship paradigms, overcoming whatever of our own peccadillos may stand in the way.

I’m positively flummoxed because each is a rather daunting task that requires emotional honesty, risking and vulnerability.  As I’m fond of saying, it is not a choice.  But by the nature of the work, we will not be alone to do it.

The author can be reached at peter@bisocialnews.com with questions, comments and feedback regarding his posts.