Bisexuals and Monogamy

Why is this the image so many have of bisexuals?

The bisexual community often feels overlooked in the fight for same-sex marriage. Last week, we were finally acknowledged—as a scapegoat and an argument to uphold Prop 8!  Apparently allowing same-sex marriage is dangerous because bisexuals will want to marry someone of each gender, and then soon we will move on to plural marriage!  The exact wording is laid out here, and it’s ridiculous, but unfortunately it’s a familiar stereotype. Sometimes relations between the bisexual community and the gay and lesbian communities can already be strained, and this is not going to help matters.

Let me first say that I have nothing against polyamory; there’s plenty of people of all orientations that it works for. But as I said in my “Bi-but” article, liking more than one gender does not automatically mean you are polyamorous. In fact, the majority of people in the polyamorous community identify as straight. It’s ironic that while some people are asking if the word bisexual is too restrictive because of “bi” meaning only two, others take the “bi” part so literally that they think it means two all the time!

The message that bisexuals automatically have to be in plural relationships is very pervasive in our society. One reason I hesitated to come out as bisexual, even though I’d known for years that I was, was because I’d constantly heard that all bisexuals were people involved in plural relationships and/or swingers, and since I wasn’t either, it was confusing. It wasn’t until I went to a local group for bisexual women that I learned otherwise, and then I had to explain to several well meaning friends that I was still monogamous. Last year when I interviewed out bisexual NY Assemblyman Micah Kellner, he recalled an incident in his local political arena where he had to correct the exact same argument about bisexuals that is now being used to uphold Prop 8. While of course there is some overlap between bisexuality and polyamory, there doesn’t seem to be anymore than there is in the gay, lesbian, and straight communities. So why does the stereotype persist?

The BLGT community has made several gains in the past few decades; one of them being getting more of society to see that they are not sick, dangerous, or evil, and that there are many commonalities to focus on. Same-sex relationships have a lot of the same issues as opposite-sex ones, and BLGT people have the same struggles with work, family, and daily living as everyone else. It’s getting harder for marriage opponents to cast BLGT people as the “other”. Monogamy is one thing that many people on both sides have in common, and even though society has become more accepting, the idea of non-monogamous relationships is still very controversial. Bringing that argument into the marriage debate is a way for marriage equality opponents to try once again to paint the BLGT community as too “other” to be accepted. And what better way to do this than to play on a stereotype about bisexuals that so many people grow up with, and exploit the tension between the GL and bisexual communities?

ADVERT

The way to combat this is the same way that the GL communities have been dismantling the stereotypes about them or years; education. We have to step up our efforts to educate, have more out positive bi role models, more accurate representation, and more visibility. People need to see that like gay and lesbian people, bisexuals share commonalities with them.

In the meantime, “refuse to choose”, and don’t be afraid to say you are bisexual. Don’t’ say “bi-but”, but do speak up that like every community, we are a diverse bunch and it’s not right to stereotype us. If someone makes a joke or an honest inquiry about bisexuals and non-monogamy, educate them. Get involved in your local pride events and bi community—or if there isn’t one, start a group. The more people see us, talk to us, learn about us, and get to know us—the less successful arguments like the Prop 8 one will be, and the more stereotypes will be broken.