The euphemism of the revolving door is often used and interpreted to be derogatory. Simply though, it’s just a fact of life. While some of us may voluntarily slide back into the closet at pragmatic times (just as some homosexuals do), even if we are the loudest and proudest, most in-your-face bisexual alive our sexuality is continuously interpreted dependent on where we are and who we’re with. In effect we are always “coming out.”
Often bisexuals can feel like they’re just moving from one closet to another, very rarely do you ever get out as bisexual. I walk through the mall with my wife, and I’m hetero. She goes home to bed while I grab a drink in Boystown, and I’m gay. There is no implicit bisexual public action save for walking down the street holding hands with someone of each gender. Yes I could wear a snazzy “I go both ways” t-shirt, but that’s what we call explicit. Deep down, I wish people could figure it for themselves without me having to spell it out.
Just plaster this on everything from your car to your pants, and no one will every question your sexuality again. (credit image: Cassowary via Wikimedia Commons)
Struggling with the decision to come out can be difficult whatever your preference. Fortunately, many homosexuals find solace and support in the queer community, and there are a host of community outreach programs familiar with their problems. At the same time, the queer community’s reaction to bisexuals is highly variable resulting in distrust and frustration, while those same community programs can find themselves incapable of accommodating a bisexual’s unique needs and situations.
I have met fantastically supportive monosexual men and women who not only accepted me and my preferences, but welcomed both me and my wife with genuine friendship. Alternatively, I’ve found myself cornered in the bathroom at a gay bar being interrogated. I’ve had “friends” feign understanding to try and get into my pants, and I’ve had friends who can’t wait to meet the special someone in my life because they assume she must just be so awesome.
In looking for help, when a committed homosexual man or woman decides they want to come out, it’s usually just a matter of dealing with the pain of separation, and going through a divorce or separation process (not that these are easy things to deal with). There are hundreds of experienced and seasoned professionals to help men and women make the difficult transition and offer counseling. On the flip side, bisexuals are rarely contemplating divorce or separation from their spouses when they decide to come out. Most questions involve salvaging a relationship after cheating, or exploring newfound sexuality without losing someone you deeply love. The psychologists and sexologists have only a handful of case studies coupled with barely useful, incidental data from a variety of questionnaires which were usually trying to study something other than bisexual issues.
How do we come out in a way that’s definitive, lasting, and fulfilling? Basically… we don’t. Who we have sex with doesn’t define us, 95% of the people we meet we’ll never see again (yes that’s a made up statistic), and it’s how we live that really makes us fulfilled—not how we’re seen. The dirty secret is even monosexuals of either persuasion will typically go through life with people presuming they are something they’re not. Many straight actors, comedians, and musicians deal with questions about their sexuality on a lifelong basis. Many homosexuals are presumed straight outside of the queer scene, they “pass” without even trying, and when around new people they have to “come out again” just like we do.
For all the other issues our revolving door seems to cause, the solution is action. Refuse to let the crowd of people push you through either in or out. When someone who’s only been talking to you for ten minutes makes the declaration, “You’re not really bi.” Draw attention to how silly it is for them to be making that kind of assumption. Create a space for other bisexuals to feel welcomed. If your community center has a crisis line, offer to take the bisexual calls. Reach out and find those health professionals who are actually experienced with a variety of orientations, so when you or someone you know needs help, there’s somebody to go to. Attend events and functions regardless of target audience, and rather than feeling like you need to shove your preference in everyone’s face, be unashamed and genuine about who you are when those tricky questions come up. If it’s not a big deal to you, it likely won’t be a big deal to anyone else, and you won’t have to worry about coming out or going back in—you’ll just be you.
Naturally the two do intersect sometimes, but that is true of people of all orientations, not just bisexuals. Yet, we wouldn’t think to just assume that a gay or a straight person is seeing more than one person based solely on their orientation. Also, people who really are in polyamorous relationships choose to engage in them with the consent of all parties, not because they want to cheat and can’t control their attractions. They also do not view it as a negative thing to be hidden, so chances are if you befriend a bisexual person and they don’t tell you about being in a relationship with more than one person—it means they are not, and you shouldn’t assume they are unless told otherwise. A major stereotype that needs to be broken is that liking more than one gender makes one any more likely to cheat or be deceitful in relationships than liking just one gender does.