Yes I’m Bi–but…

Why do some of us feel we have to explain away our orientation? (photo courtesy of Alex)

In the past few months, I’ve had the good fortune to find out about and join the new online group Academic Bi, which describes itself as “an international mailing list for discussion, exchanging information and ideas about topics related to bisexual theory, queer theory and the academic study of bisexuality, pansexuality, fluidity.” The discussions have been fascinating, and one in particular caught my eye: the “bi but” discussion.

Someone started a thread about how when asked about their sexuality, they tend to say “bi…but”—and then follow it up with a qualifier or a descriptor such as “queer”, “dating a woman”, “hetero/homoflexible”, “monogamous” etc. Several people wrote in and said they find themselves doing the same thing, “explaining away” their orientation. For some, it was no big deal, just a way to more accurately describe themselves. Others felt that they used it to “justify” their bisexuality, and wondered why, while still others came out right and said it was because if they only used the word “bisexual”, they often felt excluded from the larger BLGT community, worried about having the whole “does bisexuality exist” argument, or worried about dealing with vicious biphobia from supposed “allies”.

I thought about myself-I often say “bisexual queer” when asked. I’ve always felt that I do it because I want to make it clear that while I’m pretty close to a “50/50” person, I lean a bit more in the queer direction and identify with and feel more comfortable in queer culture. However—is that really the only reason? Do I, like some of the people who wrote in, feel a need to justify and explain myself? I honestly didn’t think I did, but when I spoke to a friend about it she asked me “Do you not feel that the activism and work you do in the BLGT community should speak for itself? Why do you need a ‘qualifier?’ “That really made me think, as did reading some of the responses from people who felt that they needed to “explain:” their orientation to both gay and straight people: “I’m bi…….but”. So why do some bisexual people feel the need to do this? Is it really just to clarify things, or is there something else at play? Would having one word to describe all BLTG people, such as queer, remove the need for this “explaining?” And for others, is the answer “all of the above?”

One of the reasons I saw that was given most often was monogamy. “I’m bi…but, I’m married/faithful/monogamous/seeing only one person, and I don’t cheat”. Many people said they wanted to get that out there when talking about their orientation because it seems so many people assume that bisexuality equals cheating or a multiple relationship. It doesn’t help that this is how it is often portrayed in popular culture, and that many people associate bisexuality with polyamory, which is too often viewed negatively, and is a hot button issue in both the BLGT and straight communities.

Naturally the two do intersect sometimes, but that is true of people of all orientations, not just bisexuals. Yet, we wouldn’t think to just assume that a gay or a straight person is seeing more than one person based solely on their orientation. Also, people who really are in polyamorous relationships choose to engage in them with the consent of all parties, not because they want to cheat and can’t control their attractions. They also do not view it as a negative thing to be hidden, so chances are if you befriend a bisexual person and they don’t tell you about being in a relationship with more than one person—it means they are not, and you shouldn’t assume they are unless told otherwise. A major stereotype that needs to be broken is that liking more than one gender makes one any more likely to cheat or be deceitful in relationships than liking just one gender does.

Another reason given for being upfront about monogamy was that many people seem to tend associate bisexuals not only with cheating, but with always wanting threesomes, or being deviant sexual freaks in some way who will try anything (especially bisexual women). Saying “I’m bi but monogamous” cuts all those stereotypes out in one sentence, and tones down the whole “gender bending freak” stereotype as well (while gender bending is generally seen as a positive thing in the BLGT community, not so in the rest of popular culture).

Others said they were using “queer” as a qualifier because they felt that they had to prove they were “queer enough” to hang out and do work in the BLGT community. When my friend was talking about me she had a point—if you hang out in it, date in it, and do work on behalf of BLGT rights, that should speak for itself. Using another label to further define yourself is one thing—but no one should feel they have to use it to prove something. As for using the word queer as a word to define us all and help eliminate labels and stereotypes, that has both pros and cons and is a whole other article in itself.

Overall, like with any group, especially a group that is a minority, stereotypes about bisexuals persist in all communities, even some in our own. What we can do is work to educate people and break up stereotypes wherever we find them—and hopefully get to the point that if many of us feel the need to ‘explain” or “justify” our bisexuality—we can do so by just saying “bi”-without the “but”.